I vant to slurk your blurd!
by My Dark Rosaline
Summary: The gang think Vincent is a vampire. Oh noez! Complete stupidity ahead, and a poor attempt at humour.


**I've never understood the Vincent is a vampire cliché, you know? Sure, you meet the guy in a coffin, but how exactly does that make him a vampire? In my humble opinion, that just proves that Hojo had way too much time on his hands or has a fetish for things playing dead. Go figure.**

**Anyway, this is just one stupid, stupid story designed to mock the theory that Vincent vants to slurk your blurd. Stupidity, character destruction and poor humour expected. Characters belong to Square - I'm just mutilating them for my own mocking pleasure.**

XXXX

It was a perfectly normal day for Vincent Valentine of Nibelheim Shin-ra mansion. He had woken up perfectly early, yawned, showered, put on his black shirt, trousers and cape ensemble, and, after reminding himself that he should really hit the boutiques and widen his wardrobe, went down to eat breakfast. Of course, Vincent, being the badass gun-slinging ponce that he is, just had to have wonderfully infused tea. Cranberry and raspberry to be exact.

While he was tinkering around in his old, cracked up kitchen in the Shin-ra mansion that had never made any appearance in the game because the game is just too _edgy _for kitchens, a very interesting occurrence was taking place in the small town of Nibelheim below the mansion (not, however, at the sign which proclaims the town as "Saddest Place in the World". Rufus had decided that he might as well be truthful when visiting.)

"Cloud! It's an emergency!"

The yell had come from the mouth of beautiful, badass Tifa Lockheart. Worry was etched across her face, and she was chewing on her lip – not at all like the calm, collected and strong Tifa that we see in the game. More like the wuss from Advent Children.

Cloud looked up at her, his face a calm mask of determination, and he stood as if waiting for Tifa to tell him what exactly was wrong. He didn't like seeing her look so worried. After all, if something could scare Tifa, it must be pretty bad. Or Sephiroth. In Cloud's head, Sephiroth was another word for 'pure, unmatched, diabolical evil that should be shut away and never let see the light of day'.

If Cloud was as out of character as everyone else in this poor excuse for fanfiction, he would have made a crack about he was a poet and didn't know it. However, he was still faintly recognisable as Cloud, the angsty, slightly goofy but still overall hard and tough leader of Avalanche, and Tifa seemed relaxed to see this. She still seemed worried of course, and her eyes kept moving to look up at the mansion as though in fear. That, to Cloud, was understandable; all the things that had _happened _up there, and all.

"It's…" Her voice seemed to be shaking, but she managed to steel herself and continue. "It's about Vincent… something horrible… something _evil _has happened…"

"He hasn't turned into Chaos and destroyed an entire town again?"

"What? Oh, no." She said, shaking her head. "Much, much worse, Cloud. He's…" she took a deep breath. "It's… it's too horrible to say, but… he's a…"

"A…?"

"…A vampire, Cloud."

Tifa waited for the horror of that statement to come crashing down on Cloud's face. Imagine her disappointment when it didn't. Rather, Cloud had a slightly dubious, completely non-plussed look on his face. She shifted a little. He continued to stare.

"Well… he… you know… drinks blood!"

"…And that is worse than the town destroying winged demon _how, _exactly?"

There wasn't really a sensible answer to that, so Tifa didn't give one. Instead, she looked at Cloud as though he was slightly crazy (which was actually true, the whole Jenova cells and Sephiroth possessing him) and then spoke very slowly. "He's a _vampire, _Cloud. You know, _vampire. _He drinks blood-"

"No, he just likes cranberry tea."

"-And can turn into mist –"

"I'm pretty sure he can't. Demons and crazy sociopaths, yes. Mist? I doubt it."

"- And we can only destroy him with a stake through the heart and silver bullets and sunlight!"

"Most people would die getting impaled through the heart by very sharp wood." Cloud reasoned, not unkindly. "Silver bullets too. And he can't be killed by sunlight. I saw him just yesterday morning getting his mail."

"You're just dilly-dallying, you know that?"

Cloud was seriously contemplating slapping her for saying that, because even though she was his best friend, that phrase just got on his ass like nobody's business. However, at that exact moment, there was a loud whirring sound from overhead, and the Highwind flew over the buildings and landed on the green outside. Cloud raised an eyebrow at that – why was everyone else coming here?

He was starting out of the door, but Tifa caught his arm, her eyes wide and imploring. Cloud sighed, and decided to wait this out, even though he was increasingly worried that it would involve sending Yuffie into the mansion after Vincent. Why Yuffie, exactly? Well, it rhymed with Buffy, or at least did until Advent Children proved that wrong. See the connection there?

The waiting didn't take long, for soon, everyone was pouring into the horrible little town into the house that technically doesn't belong to either Cloud _or _Tifa because neither of them would ever willingly live in Nibelheim, but still. Everyone was pouring in – except Reeve, of course, who had a prior engagement with some books on stereotypes and was wondering which one he should incorporate into Cait Sith next time something big came up. Oh, and Cid. But Cloud was pretty sure he was nearby. He'd thought he'd heard someone yelling "Get off my airship" before everyone came bursting in.

"Heard all about it, Spikey!" Barrett roared, not sounding very much like Mr. T at all. "We gotta stop that creepy ass before he goes nibbling on the necks of some virgins!"

"Or, you know, goes sleeping with them all and then angsting about it, if we're talking Anne Rice here." Yuffie put in cheerfully, clutching a sharp piece of wood in her hands and looking around expectantly.

Cloud sighed.

XXXX

There were several knocks on the door of the Shin-ra building.

From the sitting room, where Vincent was watching a documentary about the dark secrets behind the chocobo ranch, the black-haired apparent vampire looked up from his glass of cranberry tea. Very few people actually knocked on his door, especially since that time those little boys had knocked on it and then been decapitated by a very pissed off Chaos (he didn't like anyone getting in the way of _Desperate Housewives_, after all). Vincent had tried to apologise, but everyone had run away in terror.

Besides, these didn't sound much like knocks at all. They sounded a little more like someone was beating at the door in an attempt to knock it down.

He sipped his tea.

The 'knocking' came again.

He drank some more of his tea and turned around to see Choco Billy addressing a crowd and explaining how he got fed anti-growth hormones to make him seem smaller and cuter, trying to drown out the noise.

It knocked again. He sighed, turned around a little, and then shouted, "Just pull the handle all the way up, then turn it back down and put a little weight on the door, for the love of God!" He turned back around after this, and accidentally splashed himself with his still warm cranberry tea. "Dammit!"

"You hear that? The name of a holy one hurts him!"

He raised an eyebrow at that and turned around once more, only to see the whole of Avalanche (with the exception of Reeve, who was now laughing his ass off as Cait Sith staggered around and spoke in a very fake Irish accent) standing and staring at him, clutching sharp poles of wood. Oh, except for Cloud, too. He was trying to look like he wasn't there.

There was a pause. He looked at them. They looked back at him. He continued looking at them. In the background, Choco Billy cried.

"…Can I help you?"

They were the last words he spoke before he was jumped by four different members of his team and bound and gagged.

XXXX

"He is proving strong to the powers of sunlight!"

"And the goddamn stakes did nothing."

"And I can't find silver bullets anywhere!"

Cloud wanted to bang his head off of a wall. They had Vincent tied up to a chair in the bedrooms of the mansion, gagged and bound and looking royally pissed in general. Not only had they tied him up, they had been opening the curtains to allow sunlight to stream onto him, and all he did was blink a little and look the other way. They had tried jabbing him – or rather, Yuffie had tried jabbing him – with the stakes, but had hit the thick rope instead and had not pierced him at all. And Cloud was pretty sure he'd seen Red plaiting the silver bullets into his mane, but he wasn't about to say anything.

Tifa, clearly the 'brains' behind this stupidity, was calmly sitting and nodding to the reports that she had been given of Vincent's behaviour. She put her hands behind her back and looked up, frowning at the ceiling, and then back down at Vincent. She was determined to prove that he was a vampire, and to take away that 'unholy, fiendish power' that he had. Cloud could see it in the set of her jaw.

"It appears that nothing has worked, my comrades." Tifa said, pacing. "This leaves only one thing left to do: we must find the one who made the creature what he is, and get _him _to tell us exactly what we must do to destroy him!"

There was a brief silence punctured only by the sound of Cloud smacking his face with his hand. Then –

"I agree with Tifa and the Twins! Let's get going!"

Barrett, who looked rather like he'd walk through anything that got in his way, hitched up his bullet-less gun and made his way out. Red bounded along after him, silver bullets catching the sunlight, followed by Yuffie and Tifa. Tifa stopped at the door.

"Cloud." She said, looking at him severely. "I know Vincent has in the past seduced you with his vampiric charms. You must prevail and make sure nothing unwanted happens here, do you understand me?"

"Tifa, don't you think this is going a bit far-"

"We're counting on you Cloud! Putting you in the spot when you're clearly incapable of handling it in the hopes that we'll be pleasantly surprised! It's what we're good at!"

With that, she slammed and locked the door, leaving nothing but the sound of running footsteps and eventually a muffled "Get off my airship!" from Cid.

Cloud sighed, and then walked over to Vincent, pulling the gag out of his mouth. Vincent looked up at him, spat onto the floor, and then spoke.

"What the hell is going on?"

Cloud sat down on the floor beside him, running a hand through his hair. "Tifa seems convinced that you're a vampire. I have no clue where her normal sense is now, but it seems to be thrown out of the window and then probably pissed on."

"Bent over a table and raped up the ass, more like." The ex-Turk muttered, shifting a little in his bonds. "Why now? And why a vampire, of all things? I mean, I only sleep in a coffin, but have you _seen _the beds here? I don't know who was here last, but they sure as hell didn't clean their spoo-"

"Yes yes, I know it's stupid." Cloud said hurriedly, colouring a little as he continued. "But everyone seems to think so. I don't know why, I mean its not like you've done any stuff they haven't seen before. Want me to untie you?"

"Please."

Cloud knelt and began unknotting the thick rope around his friend's body, swearing lightly when he had to carefully manoeuvre it around the sharp tips of his claw. Barrett might have shit for brains at the moment, but old habits died hard, it seemed, and he wasn't going to go for anything without making sure everything was tied down where it was meant to be. That included Vincent's claw. And not in any perverse way, like a lot of people seemed to think of Vincent and Cid, which had pissed them off to no end. They were just playing strip poker that time; nothing bad was going on…

"Cloud."

He looked up, and saw a rather sick little smile spreading across Vincent's face. "They're going to see Hojo, aren't they?"

Cloud shrugged, and then nodded.

Vincent's sick smile widened a little.

XXXX

Cid was all one for annoying the stiff, dark and never-smiling gun slinging ponce of Avalanche, but at the moment, he was thinking that even these guys were getting a little bit too _into _their game of tie the vampire up and kill him. Vincent was all right. Played poker with him once and a while, and there was seriously nothing going on between them. That time had just been a _game _of strip poker, but in walks Cloud and starts spreading some nasty rumours. Jackass.

He took out the stub of cigarette that he had in his mouth and blew the thin stream of smoke from his mouth as he eyed just what Tifa had brought back to his airship, his sweet, beautiful airship…

I choose not to write whatever thoughts Cid may have for his airship. Lord knows, he loves it more than anyone else for sure.

But anyway, back to our 'story'. He looked at Hojo – because that was who had been pulled onto the pristine and gorgeous floors of the Lady Highwind, didn't you know? – and grimaced in disgust.

"I don't care what your excuse is. Get off my airship."

With one thin, stick-like claw, Hojo pushed his glasses back up his nose. "You pulled me on here." He said, placidly. The Highwind was hovering over Midgar, so we can assume this is all set at some point before the end of disk two, or that it's just a stupid piece of fanfic as was stated in the disclaimer. God figure. Anyway, Hojo was pushing his glasses up his nose, grease and mako dripping out of his long lank and black hair. The man's a complete scab. Don't you just love him?

Cid tapped on his steering wheel for a little while as though in though, smoked another cigarette, and then looked over at the other guys. "Whoever pulled him on? Get off my airship. With him."

"Cid. There's no time for this." Tifa said, stepping forward. "Or are you forgetting why we had to bring him here?"

"Technically, you came to me and kidnapped –"

"Hojo, Hojo, shh." Tifa said, flapping her hand at him. "I mean, seriously, Cid. If he doesn't tell us how to kill Vincent, what would we do?" Cid's face paled, and Tifa nodded in satisfaction. That was how things were meant to go. She was Queen here!

She turned to Hojo once more, who was sulking about being told to shut up and vaguely wishing he had had a more healthy relationship with his son, because then these guys would be right fucked. "Hojo. First of all: you made Vincent. Do you know how to unmake him?"

"Er, well." Hojo shrugged a little, mako dripping off of the tips of his fingers. "I suppose you would just… take out his internal organs…?"

"We already tried that." Tifa said coldly. "The stakes did nothing to him. You've created a super vampire."

"Vampire?" Hojo took off his glasses, polished them with a blood-splattered sleeve and then sat them back on his nose. "Dear me, no. I only shot a Turk, chopped off his arm, amputated it with a claw, had non consensual sex with him, turned him into a hellish monster from below, and locked him in a basement. After which I went on to pump my own son full of horrible, monstrous genes to mess him up to no end and let this planet be right fucked. But vampires? No, never."

There was a moment of disgusted silence. Yuffie broke it.

"You diddled with Vincent's peenie?"

Everyone stopped and stared at her, except for Hojo, who nodded slowly and solemnly. Tifa looked sick. "What the hell is wrong with you? Do you have a God complex or something?"

"You ask me if I have a God complex?" Hojo said, smiling faintly at her. "My dear, I _am _God."

Cid, who had had about too much of this horrible man, and really didn't need to know that he had, in the words of Yuffie, "diddled with Vincent's peenie", and so did the only thing he could do as Captain of the ship. He marched right up to that sick son of a bitch and threw him over the railings.

"Get off my airship!"

XXXX

It was fairly quiet in the Shin-ra mansion as the Dark Secrets behind the Chocobo Ranch came to a close. Cloud and Vincent both yawned and stretched, and Cloud sat up.

"Do you really think Chole and Choco Bill raped Choco Billy?"

"Nah." Vincent said. "He's just an attention whore."

At that precise moment, all the other members of Avalanche (except, of course, Reeve, who was now laughing his ass off at Cait Sith playing a banjo and talking like a hillbilly) came running into the house, white faced and shocked. Vincent raised an eyebrow at them, and Tifa fell down before him, grasping his hands in hers.

"Vincent! We're so sorry! We never knew!"

"That I wasn't a vampire?"

"We never knew that you were raped by the ugliest man on the Planet!"

"Oh, fuck me."

FIN

**Comments? Remarks? Flames? Please to be bringing them on guys.**


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